Don’t fear your darkness

You don’t need to fear your darkness. Instead, recognize it when it arises and work through it without delay.
Derek O’Neill
 
Today’s lines are a little longer, but I want to share a story from my life with you, intent on letting love and acceptance flow into the parts of you that long for your affection. But first:
 
Tomorrow is New Year’s Day in Bali, and therefore also a kind of new year for me. At least I feel the urge to go within, so Nyepi comes at just the right time! On Nyepi Day, New Year’s Day in the Balinese calendar, all lights and sounds are switched off in Bali, all traffic is stopped (+ airport!), all worldly activities are paused, and meditation takes place while the whole island is completely silent.
 
When I first heard about Nyepi in 2020, I was staying in a homestay and was fortunate enough to have the family cook me rice and eggs, as I didn’t realize that Nyepi also meant a lockdown. Ironically, there was a lockdown in Germany then, and my escape from Germany caught up with me in Bali. It was the first time that Nyepi was celebrated for three days because of Corona. Ha…ha.
 
Anyway… I got the “Bali Belly” and lay in bed for three days anyway, fasting (involuntarily) – which most Balinese do voluntarily on this day as it’s their tradition.
 
But what excited me was the so-called “Ogoh-Ogoh” parade, celebrated today, the day before New Year. The parade goes through the main street of all the villages in Bali and is a bit like a carnival parade (each village has its own parade). The various Ogoh Ogoh statues are usually in the shape of demons, and in the evening, all the statues are burnt with a lot of noise.
 
The main reason for making an Ogoh-ogoh is to cleanse the environment of spiritual impurities, which mainly come from human actions. According to Hindu teachings, the forms of the Ogoh-ogoh represent the Bhuta-Kala (Bhuta: eternal energy, Kala: eternal time).
 
Philosophically, civilized man is obliged to manage natural resources without damaging the environment itself.
 
Therefore, the ceremony’s purpose is to expel all dark spirits from the villages and the lives of the devout Balinese to restore the balance between the gods, humans, and nature.
 
For this reason, I would like to share a story from my life with you today, with the intention that you hug yourself and your demons. We all have some within us, but when we let go of the shame and fear of being judged or judging ourselves and allow compassion, acceptance, and love into our being – only then can we start dancing with them.
Alcohol has controlled me for a long time in my life. But the deeper truth is that I let alcohol control me.
 
It wasn’t until I turned inward and went on the journey to find the missing puzzle pieces that I understood why it strongly affected me. I was no longer able to say ‘no.’ I was unable to set healthy boundaries for myself and others. I stood for nothing but loyalty and trust, which I only lacked towards myself. I couldn’t trust myself until I had no alternative, and it was time to reconnect with my heart.⠀
 
It wasn’t easy to take responsibility for my actions, and for the people, I hurt back then especially myself. But these were all experiences that had to be made, and alongside all the dark moments, I also had a lot of fun and laughed a lot, a lot, A LOT.
 
I now look back fondly on that time and am no longer ashamed. I still love a good drink, but I no longer drink when I’m feeling frustrated, sad, lonely, bored, or depressed or when I want to avoid my feelings. I no longer feel depressed, bored, or lonely at all. But when I feel sad, frustrated, angry, or upset, I stay with those feelings instead of drinking them away. And to be completely honest, they never went away anyway. I just made them worse.⠀
 
Today, I can control my feelings and my demons; they are no longer waiting for me at the bottom of the glass. And that’s why alcohol no longer has any power over me. I can well understand that it is sometimes easier to drink than to deal with reality. But I can guarantee you that life becomes more stable, magical, and loving when we choose to live a self-determined life instead of a life that is controlled from the outside. And we manifest our reality the way we feel. This photo was taken last week when my friend had her photo shoot. The photographer had to check the light and spontaneously took a picture of me sitting at the bar. It made me smile because until you make friends with your past, it will continue to bleed into everything you touch. I’m glad I chose to embrace my shadows and shine a light on them instead of continuing to run away from them – and I hope that gives you the strength to do the same.

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